Mind & Bodhi Wellness Blog

Why is Compassion for Others So Much Easier than Self-Compassion?

Wed, 12 Jun 2019 07:19:32 GMT

Living is giving. We hear this all the time but perhaps it needs an asterisk. Part of “giving” involves being kind to yourself. The more you love yourself, the more you progress. As you progress, you position yourself to do more giving.

Unfortunately, many of us go through cycles in which we’re not very self-loving. We have so much compassion for others. But we don’t aim any of that compassion back at ourselves. Obviously, this is not a sustainable pattern.

What is compassion?

Compassion is often confused with empathy. Empathy allows us to see ourselves in another’s place. Compassion, you might say, goes further. When we feel compassion, it’s because we want to ease the suffering of another. In addition, compassion allows us to see the best in others.

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is a tricky state. We are usually our own toughest critic. We might even believe we deserve to feel bad. See the best in ourselves? This is often much harder than seeing the best in others. It’s been said there are three elements to self-compassion.

The 3 Elements of Self-Compassion

1. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment

This brings us back to that inner critic. Self-compassion asks us to listen to a kinder voice.

2. Common Humanity vs. Isolation

Here’s where empathy plays into the equation. Self-compassion asks us to see our feelings as part of a larger community.

3. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification

Self-compassion reminds us to be present. But it also reminds us that we are much more than just our thoughts.

Why is Self-Compassion So Hard to Attain?

We often mistake self-compassion for self-pity or self-indulgence.

Self-compassion is a rare practice. We might not even recognize it when we see it. Let’s say someone we know treats his/herself with compassion. Do we judge them for being selfish or self-centered?

We see being self-critical as a common form of motivation.

From drill instructors to fanatical personal trainers, we seem to worship abuse. It motivates us, right? Therefore, a kind voice is not viewed as a good thing.

We live in a social media world.

All day, every day, we’re stacking ourselves up against others. Who gets more likes, shares, comments, and followers? Everyone, it seems, is having more fun than we are. The results are rarely self-loving.

5 Ways to Develop Self-Compassion

Once you have an understanding of what self-compassion is, you can work to develop yours. Here are five ways to increase your self-compassion and begin to treat yourself as well as you treat others.

1. Practice Self-Care

Focus on basics like regular exercise, healthy eating, steady sleep habits, and so on. Taking care of yourself does more than keep you healthy. It also retrains your brain to aim compassion inward.

2. Do unto Yourself

If someone came to you after a bad experience, how would you talk to them? What type of language would you use? You deserve the same compassion from yourself.

3. Forgive Yourself

If someone you love makes a mistake and apologizes, you forgive them. Again, you deserve the same compassion from yourself.

4. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness keeps us present. We become more aware of how we see ourselves. We also focus less on past issues or future fears.

5. Challenge Yourself to be Positive

Pick ten days in which you refuse to engage in negative self-talk for more than two minutes. If it passes two minutes, you start again from day one. By day ten, you will feel transformed!

It’s a form of self-compassion to recognize when you need help—especially if you are dealing with emotional or mental health issues. Working one-on-one with a therapist is an excellent way to move along on this journey.

Uncontrolled Anger and the Guilt That Follows: How Anger Management Helps

Thu, 23 May 2019 07:15:11 GMT

You know the cycle all too well. Something happens that you really don’t like. You automatically react in anger. Your reaction provokes a response. Before you know it, you are speaking and behaving in ways that you will later regret. In fact, the guilt will be overwhelming. Until, of course, something else happens that you really don’t like. The cycle will kick in again. Each time, it gets uglier and more intense.

What can you do to manage this problem?

The first step is to recognize and accept that you can no longer control your anger.

Uncontrolled anger may result in:

Passive-aggressive behaviors like sarcasm and ridicule
Abusive behaviors (verbal, emotional, or physical cruelty)
Turning our rage inward to experience guilt, shame, resentment, and even depression

As discussed above, we’re talking about a cycle. With each revolution, this cycle gets worse. It may impact your health, your career, your social life, and much more. The solution begins with words like: “I have anger issues and I must get them under control as soon as possible.”

The second step is to enter an anger management program. This usually means a series of therapy sessions that take place over a predetermined time frame (4 to 6 weeks). You don’t need to be told that anger is a powerful emotion. Working with a professional allows you to dig right in and create a focused plan. The strategy and structure will guide you. In some cases, anger management is done in a group setting.

What can you do to manage this problem?

The first step is to recognize and accept that you can no longer control your anger.

5 Ways Anger Management Helps with Uncontrolled Anger (and Guilt)

1. Define your problem

It begins with accepting that a big problem exists. From there, you must become aware of this problem’s impact on yourself and those around you. Some anger management programs may include loved ones in the process. They are, after all, always in the line of fire. You want to improve and stop hurting them. This journey starts with understanding your problem.

2. Recognize your symptoms

How does your uncontrolled anger feel to you? How does it appear to everyone else? Emotionally, you may feel:

Irritated, sad, or depressed
A need to escape the situation
Guilt and resentment
Anxiety
Shame and embarrassment
A desire for revenge

Some of the more common physical signs are:

Rapid heart-rate
Raising your voice
Increased sweating, shallow breathing, trembling
Gritting teeth, clenching fists
Rocking or pacing motions
Abrupt, rude language
Craving comfort food, sugar, drugs, alcohol, or tobacco

3. Identify your triggers

Most of us have definite anger triggers. Certain things “set us off,” as they say. Identifying triggers allows us to understand them. It also enables us to better avoid them.

4. Adjust your perception

Why do certain things anger you? What role do you play in this process? Is your anger masking a larger, deeper issue? Through guided sessions, anger management can help you see the bigger picture.

5. Create your own plan of action

There are many options available to you. For example:

Breathing exercises
Relaxation techniques
Learning how to avoid situations that trigger you
Self-care (being the best version of you)

It starts with a vision. See yourself as someone with a healthy anger response. Visualize it. Feel it in every cell of your body. With this goal in mind, work with your therapist on a step-by-step plan to make it your mission.

Again, the first two steps are recognizing the problem and then seeking help. The good news is that step two will enhance step one. Your anger management therapist will help you better understand your uncontrolled anger. This will make it easier to fully invest in the treatment and see lasting results.

Head Trauma and Anger: How Are They Linked

Mon, 22 Apr 2019 07:09:39 GMT

If you or a loved one suffered a severe head injury and are now battling with irritability or anger issues, you’re not alone. It’s common for survivors of a traumatic brain injury (TBI) to have trouble controlling their emotions. It's most difficult in the weeks and months immediately following the injury. While it may improve with time as the brain heals, it's common for anger problems to linger.

Anger is a normal and essential reaction to a threat. It’s part of how we get ready for an attack or a fight. We’d be defenseless without it.

What's the Link?

The center regions of our brains are fairly primitive. It’s here that feelings of fear, rage and sexual arousal originate. Our frontal lobe mediates these feelings and helps us control how we react to these emotions when they arise. Our frontal lobes buffer the world from our primitive urges.

When emotions arise from the primitive areas of our brains, an impulse arises to react directly and without regard for the consequences. The frontal lobes act as brakes, delaying the impulse while rational thought seeks to moderate impulsive actions taken. In other words, where the primitive impulses act like the gas pedal in your car, the frontal lobes act as the brakes.

Anger problems are particularly common when the frontal lobes are injured. Events that wouldn’t have caused an angry response before the injury to the frontal lobes may afterward result in them. The frontal lobes can’t do their job as effectively due to the injury. So, the angry impulse that previously would have been moderated by the frontal lobe instead gets expressed unabated.

Moments of Anger

Another factor that contributes to anger, in some cases, is a reduction in brain function, no matter how slight. If you can’t follow a conversation like you used to or if you can’t perform certain reasoning tasks as well as you used to -- if at all -- you might get angry about it. Again, if the frontal lobes were functioning properly, this anger and frustration would probably find another outlet. Without them, it comes out in the form of an outburst.

Angry outbursts may seem to be the result of a deep-seeded hatred or a hair-trigger issue. In reality, they are simply short-lived impulsive expressions of anger; there is no burning anger or stewing issue underpinning the outburst. It’s just a brief, angry moment. Shortly thereafter, the anger commonly dissipates completely.

This type of behavior, however, begins to tear at relationships and self-esteem. People think of you as a hot-head or they feel like they need to walk on eggshells when they are around you. It can impact your career and the relationships you enjoy with friends and family.

Dealing With It

TBI commonly leaves an injury survivor with emotional problems or experiences that couldn’t have been foreseen. They need to be dealt with.

Doctors are familiar with TBI and anger issues. Many drugs are available to help. Coupled with counseling, anger issues can be overcome well enough to become non-issues.

With or without the help of professionals and medications, one thing you can do to control impulsive behavior is to consciously act as your frontal lobes. In the face of a threat or other anger-inducing circumstance, make a conscious decision to stop. Walk away, count to ten, or do whatever you need to until the heat of the moment passes. Taking a time-out can prevent you from letting your anger get you into trouble because of your words and actions. Even just a few moments can allow you to chill out and think more clearly about how to react to the situation.